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Big Brother Episode 14: Monsters, Misinformation, and Memory

July 29th, 2013 12:30pm EDT

Big Brother Part One: Terrible Gameplay Rears Its Ugly Head

Previously on Big Brother: a viewer advisory card appeared as further proof of the worst cast in Big Brother history, Aaryn was the most hated person in the house so of course she didn’t have a single vote to evict her, Elissa told Aaryn to get a life, and then the monster won HOH.

 

I didn’t watch the last episode, but I’m glad this episode’s pre-credit’s bumper was Aaryn saying “I don’t understand why you don’t like me.” It’s not like she tried to ostracize Elissa from the house the first two weeks.
Helen’s mastermind DR’s continue to be the worst. She doesn’t control anything, so why is the show so hell bent on us believing she does.
Andy thinks Kaitlin is the fastest to leave the Big Brother house. I think some bitter bastards from last season have that distinction.
Candice and Elissa are the only two who seem really upset that the racist asshole won HOH. In case you were wondering if ethics exist in the house.
There are a lot of flashbacks in this episode. They rarely do that unless it’s showing what happened during a double eviction episode.
Jessie told Candice that Aaryn made a deal with Helen and Elissa. We see Helen make the deal with Aaryn, with Elissa nowhere in sight. This is a house filled with misinformation and no secrets.
WHY did Helen, the mastermind, tell Aaryn what Candice said? Because she’s a terrible player!
WHY did Helen, the mastermind, tell Aaryn that Elissa, her closest ally, leaked the deal? Because she’s a terrible player!
Why would Helen, the mastermind, even think about letting Elissa, her closest ally, go on the block? Because she’s a terrible player!
Elissa refuses to talk to Aaryn which is further proof of her bad social game, but I get a sick pleasure out of it anyway.
Aaryn’s HOH reveal is the best since Boogie said, “Who wants to see my HOH room? No one?” The rest of the houseguests hide as she wanders through an empty house. Too bad they made it seem like they were just being fun.
Amanda’s clownie DR was so bad. Her acting is over-the-top, campy, and annoying.
“You got me saying axed.”- Aaryn to the black girl and not to GM who says it 5 times a day. Candice is a speech therapist.
Somebody tell Helen about the economy of words. The less that’s said, the better.
“We have to get Elissa out.”- Elissa’s closest ally. This cast sucks at this game. One of the worst ever.

Part Two: The Death of The Bear Shirt

Enough of the McCrae and Amanda scenes. Why do we need one every episode? I don’t even think Jeff and Jordan got this much screen time.
Aaryn has tainted the BEAR SHIRT. The bear shirt is now dead to me.
In case you were confused here’s the ___ of misinformation: Helen made a deal with Aaryn. Jessie told Candice that Helen and Elissa made a deal with Aaryn. Candice told Helen she knew about the deal and asked to please be kept off the block. Helen told Aaryn, and everybody else in the house, that Elissa told Candice and then Candice threatened her about putting up Howard. Then Aaryn told Howard that Candice threatened them and then said that it needed to be Spencer and GM on the block or else. Everybody believes exactly what they hear and then they completely believe the new thing that comes out of their mouth. Worst game-players ever.
Aaryn calls Howard a good man. How many times do you think she had to practice saying that before she stopped throwing up a little?
“I’m not going to let anybody else make my decision.” –the person who promised that Helen could make her nominations.

Part Three: Unforgettable Competition Season

Poppy Mongomery comes on the screen to announce the Have Not competition and oh my God what a coincidence, her show premieres tonight after Big Brother.
“I’m not much of a detective. I’m more like the FBI…. Female Body Inspector.”-Judd. The scripted DRs are out of control this season. They must have really been scraping at the bottom of the barrel if that’s the best clip they could air.
Let me tell you about a Big Brother disease that affects 1 in 4 houseguest: Yelling-itis. It’s when player yells in the DR as if they are unaware that cameras can pick up sound. It has affected players like Dan, Joe, and now Gina Marie.
“Basically I am reminded of how I lose.”- Andy on the items in the Have Not competition. While he was saying that, I’m pretty sure I saw somebody holding a clown shoe, which holds fond anti-Jeff memories for me.
The first part of the competition is stacking things. Seriously.
“It makes me think Elissa and I would be a good team.” –a thing that Aaryn actually said.
Candice earrings of the episode: giant red crosses.
The second part of the competition, which the houseguests didn’t know about, is remembered where the items were on the shelves. I’m very impressed with how original the competitions have been this season. We are so used to the same competitions over and over. The new competitions is absolutely the best part of this season.
Aaryn, Andy, Elissa, and McCrae win first place. Andy was a Have Not for 3 out of 4 weeks, so he’s elated.
Nice of the editors to not show how Amanda threw the competition so that Candice would be a Have Not. On the live feeds, she was so proud of it. Candice is now a Have Not for the third time.
“Officer Have, reporting for duty.” Jessie, no.

Part Four: The Candice Switch

Segment on Elissa doing yoga at awkward moments. She tunes everyone out while doing her moves. With this cast, that’s practically a super power.
I did not understand what Howard meant when he kept telling Candice to get her bed. Was he being literal? Was it another one of his riddles?
Second Candice earrings of the episode: giant green and black circles.
Candice tries to talk game with Aaryn. She lays everything on the line. She basically tells her everything she needs to know about Amanda, who was essentially responsible for most of Aaryn’s alliance leaving the house.
In a season where logic existed, Aaryn would take this information and at least think about it. Instead she brags in the DR about how she has a “Candice switch” where she just ignores all of the important information she receives.
Future game players: You don’t need to remind the HOH that you didn’t have a great history together.
The show is trying way too hard to push the Candice and Howard showmance. Howard and Spencer are much closer. Why can’t we see them talk before nominations instead of three scenes of the showmance?
Aaryn wants to put Elissa up and go against the majority alliance. Andy jumps on the chance to bad mouth her. No surprise there.
Jessie, with more screen time than ever, actually talks very intelligently about the game.
GM refers to herself as being part of the house’s decision. Has there ever been a player less self-aware of her position in the game? Even Aaryn knows she’s on the bottom.
Aaryn wears the bear shirt during nominations. This has been a most gruesome murder of my beloved shirt.
Elissa’s key isn’t even last. The look on her face is probably the best reaction in Big Brother nomination history.
Judd’s key is last. “Thank you, darling,” he says. Gross.
Spencer and Howard are nominated. Aaryn’s speech is boring, simple, and extremely short. Just like her modeling career. Zing. 


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