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'The X Factor' Recap: Looking At The Top 16

October 24th, 2012 11:04am EDT

X FACTOR: GROUPS: LYRIC 145 In a twisted world of rain delays, bloated episodes, postponements, baseball interruptions, half-episodes that never aired on The West Coast and a lot of other ‘X-Factor’ mishaps, one thing remains certain: The Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale of Favoritism.

First though, I may be out of the loop, or I may just be gullible – but weren’t we promised a full two-hour re-air of last week’s episode tonight. Y’know, that episode that never aired on the West Coast except for a malfunction that caused it to simulcast briefly with the East Coast Feed? That episode that got cut off abruptly on the East Coast because re-runs of ‘The Mindy Project’ make for better rain delay fodder? Apparently we never get to see the little kiddies cry and the over-25s cry harder.

That little hiccup will do nothing to derail us form the task at hand, though. That’s the Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale of Favoritism.

For those who are unaware, Molly Dewolf Swenson was my favorite contestant in the history of singing competition shows. The lovely siren stole my reality show heart with a rendition on ‘Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay’ a few seasons ago on ‘American Idol’ in the audition round and I looked forward to a passionate reality love affair to go on through weeks of actually voting and propping her up in my column.

Unfortunately, this relationship was cut short when the judges cut her before we even had a chance to get started.

But the passion lives on in the form of the Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale of Favoritism, wherein I pick my favorite contestant going through to the live show. Though I will try to remain objective going for, this will serve, for posterity, as a reminder of who I’m really in the tank for.

Before we begin, let’s shed a tear for this year’s ‘X-Factor’ girlfriend: Jillian Jensen. I’m not sure why, but Demi decided that Willie (who can’t actually sing), Jennel (who makes Steve Jones look like a dynamic personality) and Paige (who brings nothing to the table other than a passing semi-resemblance) were better than my severely-bullied, smoky-voiced, searing-hot wonder. I can’t fathom why Demi made the choice she did, but I guess, Molly can rest assured that nobody’s going to take her place in my singing show heart.

The Tweenies

Diamond White

She’s got a cool soul voice beyond her years, but she’s also got the buck-toothed grin of somebody who hasn’t yet gotten old enough for braces. In other words, the annoying glow of youth. No matter how many big notes she hits and how much she commands the stage, she’s never going to outgrow the fact that she’s a little kid trying to sing like a big kid.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 3/10

Arin Ray

The one kid in the bunch with some real talent. Also, the one kid in the bunch with a massive ego that comes from, I guess, being part of Intensity last year? Like he’s really paid his dues? Ugh. Spare me.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 3/10

Carlyrose Sonenclar and Beatrice Miller

Why are they grouped together? Have you seen these two? They’re both big-voiced thirteen-year-olds who look like they’re nine and talk about their “hard work” and “careers” like they’re 58-year-olds about to get spit out of the bottom of the industry. In other words, annoying brats who I can’t wait to see go home.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 1/10

The Over-25s

David Correy

The worst. The worst. He can’t sing. He has no charisma. There’s absolutely nothing to him besides a lot of tattoos. Actually, I’m pretty sure some of his tattoos are more interesting to talk to than their owner. And that ridiculous hat? God. At least he has an interesting back story. Oh. Wait. Interesting back story is an oxymoron.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 0/10

Jason Brock

This just might be the nicest guy in the world. A tech support rep who seems like the guy who probably trains all the other tech support reps on how to be patient and kind with the customers. And spends his spare time training hosts at chain restaurants on how to be welcoming. Oh yeah. He sings too. Some are calling him an Adam Lambert clone, but I think he’s got a lot more soul. Plus, I don’t think Adam Lambert would last a minute in tech support.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 9/10

Tate Stevens

The real cowboy and real country singer is the first of both that we’ve seen on this show. He’s very good, but so much so that it could be a bit boring. How much barroom karaoke can we stand on a weekly basis? What’s he gonna do on disco night? I just think this guy is too much of a one-trick cowboy for me to really embrace.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 5/10

Vino Alan

Oh, Vino. Vino Vino Vino. What’s the ceiling on this guy? Is he going to get arrested for flipping a car over in rage during the competition? Will he actually fight one of the judges? Will he get so mad at himself that he beats himself over the head with the microphone stand? This guy has so much rage seething within him that anything is possible. I want the cameras to follow him all the time. It could be like a football player tearing apart a locker room after a big loss on a weekly basis. And that’s before he channels that rage into his singing. Scary.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 7/10

The Young Adults

Jennel Garcia

As stated above, Jennel Garcia has about as much charisma as a foot stool and isn’t that much better of a singer. I don’t know what she’s doing here. I don’t know why the put her through. I don’t that people will remember her during her performance, let alone after. What I do know, is that she took a spot from my girl Jillian and that ain’t right.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 1/10

Willie Jones

Sure, he can’t sing. Sure he can’t decide if he’s a country or R & B artist. Sure he kept Jillian out of the final 16, but who cares? Have you seen his hair? It’s amazing. It’s the best hair in the history of reality shows. And his style? He’s going to come out in a pair of British Knights and a slap bracelet if the show’s stylists don’t slow him down. How could I not be rooting for this guy?

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 8/10

Paige Thomas

Did you know Paige Thomas is a mother? I sure didn’t. The first 977 times she told me, it didn’t quite sink in. I put the over/under at 1,478 times she mentions that during the live shows, depending on how far she makes it. And the dubious Rihanna comparisons at about 2,277.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 2/10

Leopard Face

The most polarizing contestant of the year, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Seriously, has a singing competition show ever had a true villain? On every single reality show, they edit somebody to make them the villain. ‘Hell’s Kitchen’, ‘Survivor’, ‘Platinum Hit’, they all do it. Yet nobody’s ever done it on a show like this. Apparently, we’re supposed to like all of them.

And that’s why I love Leopard Face. The first true singing competition heel. With the insane fashion statement of painting animal spots on her face and the badmouthing of everybody behind their back, she’s the bitch queen that has to stay around as long as possible. Can you imagine what kind of a verbal war she’s going to get into with Simon? I think I’m breaking out in Leopard spots just thinking about it.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 9/10

The Groups

Lyric 145

I’m not sure that I agree when Simon says these three needed each other, but they do seem to complement each other very well. And I appreciate seeing the tired old trope of the male rapper with the female R & B singer turned in reverse. Plus, you can’t bet a bedazzled eye patch. That’s just science.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 6/10

Emblem3

Forget singing. I want to see these guys do math. Or spell. Or try to explain Proust. These three mimbos are at their least entertaining when singing. If this show was ‘The Challenge’ they’d be the odds-on favorites to win and that makes them one of my favorites. Now can we please quiz them on state capitals. Please?

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 7/10

LYLAS

What’s worse than a marginally talented tweenie girl singer? Five marginally talented tweenie girl singers.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 2/10

Sister C

What can I say? Sometimes I’m just shallow. Though the three of them combined are only about 90% the hotness of Jillian Jensen by herself. Or about 25% of Molly DeWolf Swenson, if you don’t have your conversion table handy.

Molly DeWolf Swenson Scale: 8/10

So there ya have it. Go Jason and Leopard Face! We’ll now return you to our regularly scheduled objectivism. Starting Friday with a recap of the first live show!

Until then, follow me on Twitter @paynehumor

Related: The X Factor, Starpulse Exclusives, Recaps, Television, FOX, Reality (Talent)

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Photo Credits: Jeff Lipsky / FOX

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