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'American Idol' Recap: Inspiration And Embarrassment in San Antonio And L.A.

January 31st, 2013 11:05am EST

Contestant Savannah Votion
With no fighting to write about, I’m having trouble with these introductions. Suddenly this is a singing show again, with good auditions, bad auditions and auditions that last an entire act break while a duo refuses to leave despite being rejected continuously. Leading to these bits from the judges:
Randy: I’m trying to save your lives here.
Mariah: Here’s a basic rule of harmonizing: So the other person can stay on pitch also.
That’s about all the sniping we got tonight, I’m afraid. Let’s just get to the auditions.
The Three Best Auditions
Savannah
This was the single mom who came in wearing a Michael Jackson jacket circa beat it and what appeared to be a bedazzled sports bra. She absolutely tore into ‘At Last’ with as clear and powerful a soul voice as one can muster in a cold a capella audition. It just rang to the ceiling and filled the room with pure brilliance. Not a single off note on a song that can be tough to get this right, and she did it with ease and grace. She won’t even need a band come show time. Her voice will stand on its own.
Adam
This was the Asian “It’s Pat” impersonator who thank goodness does not have a gender neutral name or I’d never stop being confused. He just blew the roof off. Absolutely smoked. Killed like nobody ever killed on an audition before. He sank his vocal chords into some Etta James and out came a combination of Adam Lambert and Joshua Ledet. It was that good. Crazy soul tone and runs with the unbelievable vocal size of a heavy metal screamer. I didn’t think a mix like that was possible, and now I can’t wait to see it again.
Micah
This is the guy who got a speech impediment from a tonsillectomy (did not know that could happen – glad mine went off without a hitch) and was singing to inspire others afflicted with speech difficulties. Well, he may have had trouble enunciating his words, but he had absolutely no issues whatsoever with the lyrics. They were clear as a bell. Along with a sweet buttery soul voice that contrasted a bit with the “Chicken Fried” he was singing, but is certain to play big in the competition. It’s very stunning that somebody who could barely string a sentence together managed to string a song together so beautifully. Inspiring if I ever saw it.
The Three Worst Auditions
Papa Peachez
This is the self-described “Cute Little White Boy” who claimed to have the voice of a black woman inside him. I actually believed him. It’s entirely possible that’s true. I could definitely see that he actually swallowed a black woman whole and his singing his her muffled screams from inside of him trying to get out. That’s what it sounded like. Or a combination of yawning, and a bathtub being drained. Take your pick.
But it wasn’t just the singing. It was the fact that it was an original song. Presumably about being Papa Peachez. And what a…life he leads? I don’t know exactly the plight of Mr. Peachez because he was so unintelligible, only that something had to be bleeped in the middle of his performance. Strangely, we’ll be hearing more of him as he got enough yeses to move on.
Brian
This was the guy who was apparently inspired to audition for ‘American Idol’ after he was overheard singing in a public bathroom by a record producer who told him he had a future. As Keith quipped, the acoustics in the bathroom must have been amazing because this guy could barely talk, let alone sing. Well, actually his singing sounded more like talking, but off-pitch talking. If that’s even possible. You know it’s horrible when somebody sings Phil Collins’ “You’ll Be In My Heart” from ‘Tarzan’ and I don’t recognize it at all. I spent one summer cleaning a movie theater where that played over the credits every day for about two months. I know that song backwards and forwards and his rendition was completely inscrutable to me. And for that, I kind of have to thank him.
Stephanie
This was the purple-haired cutie who seemed like an absolutely pixie sweetheart when introducting herself and seemed ready to go with a nice simple rendition of “Set Fire to the Rain”. What’d she actually do? Break into a screaming death metal version of course. I mean, what else would you do? She leapt around like she was on a pogo stick while screaming like the lead singer of Skeleton Witch in a manner that wasn’t intelligible or particularly interesting. She proceeded to flip several a bird, get bleeped severally, and possible wreck something in the midst of her ridiculous performance. I have to think this was intentionally bad and she fooled the previous producers into letting her in so she could vocal bomb everybody. She’s probably pretty proud about bring what she considers authenticity to what she must think is a ridiculous assault on “real” music, but really she’s just a clown with absolutely no talent who will continue doing this in obscurity. Good luck, Stephanie.
What did everybody else think of last night’s show?
Follow me on Twitter @paynehumor

Related: American Idol, Mariah Carey, Randy Jackson, Starpulse Exclusives, Recaps, Television, Reality, FOX, Reality (Talent)

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