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'American Idol' Recap: Craziness Abounds On A Classic Hollywood Week

February 14th, 2013 11:11am EST

American Idol Finally, a real Hollywood week.
After last week’s dramaless debacle with the guys, the girls came through in just the way needed to: A classic estrogen-drenched hormone battle over who was going to have the biggest meltdown captured by the backstage cameras.
Yes. There was some singing too, but for the first time this year, the competition backed up the reality show aspect of ‘American Idol’. Finally, we were back in the fights, the hysterical illnesses and the sleeplessness that’s supposed to dominate this part of the show. We got to pick sides in each battle and use this as a vehicle to resent certain contestants for the rest of the way.
Here to help are last night’s Hollywood Week Awards.
Best A Capella Performance
None. Nobody. Nobody delivered. Nobody wowed. Nobody was even memorable.
Yes, Seacrest touting each group week performance as transcendent during the intro is a yearly tradition, but this year he felt far more sincere than in previous voiceovers. With a majority of the Hollywood Week competitors being female, I actually expected some dynamite performances that left me feeling like a girl could actually end the reign of the cute guys with the guitars.
Based on the a capella performance we saw, I’d be surprised if the judges even remember that there are any girls in this competition and just accidentally put through 12 guys. What a parad of mediocrity.
Most Disturbing Moment
Kez Ban’s full body muscle spasm as she attempted to summon 5% of a voice on a Moody Blue’s song was one of the strangest things ever allowed on network television during the family hour. It felt like only an exorcist could both set her voice right and prevent her from bursting into brimstone as she attempted to make “Nights in White Satin” exit her mouth with the force of a mother attempting to lift a collapsed pickup truck off her newborn. She got through, most likely thanks to her amazing initial audition, but I think we have a primer for the next Japanese horror remake nonetheless.
The Most Apt Song Choice Award
A group called Almost Famous composed of a quartet of ladies who appeared to grab their wardrobe from a dumpster behind Rip Taylor’s apartment chose Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” as their song du jour. After a performance that featured choreography that would make most pre-school talent shows look like the Rockettes, more forgotten lyrics than the last singer at a drunken karaoke bar and harmonies that sounded like a verbal fight in a nursing home, only one of them made it through. And Dasia, the “lucky” one of the four probably won’t make much beyond this point.
The next group who went attempted this remarkably easy song to sing were Handsome Women. A group who spent all of rehearsal fighting until one went MIA right before the group performance. A performance that was really just a bunch of solo singers taking terms singing poorly and dancing at each other in what I imagine must have been what happened in ‘The Wicker Man’ based on the Nicolas Cage trailers. Right down to the girl who looked like a witch and went barefoot for reasons that I still cannot understand. Maybe she lost her shoes when she all Barrett Robbins on the rest of the group.
Amazingly, she was the Dasia of this group and will continue on. Hopefully she finds her shoes before she gets kicked out on the next episode.
Yes. They’re all just somebody that we used to know.
The Most Egomaniacal Moment of the Night
This quote, from Janel Stinney, after a 2-minute introduction how she basically sabotaged her group by being a diva basketcase about the best part of the experience thus far:
“You know, I am a solo artist. So working with these girls has taught me so much and has helped me for the future of actually working with others.”
This, not surprisingly, elicited bemused laughter from the rest of her group. Somehow they all moved on after the dysfunction.
Biggest Disappointment
Did anybody ever seem more ready for the craziness of Group week than Zoanette? The girl with the enormous personality, bigger hair and a very weird love for Barack Obama? You know. This girl:

After that debut, I was expecting at the bare minimum her to light somebody on fire like that guy in ‘The Following’. Instead, all she did was sing. And sit. And…nothing. Really. She was a model citizen other than one eye roll that the producers probably coaxed from her.
She better put it together or I don’t think Obama will appoint her as the Ambassador to Narnia. Which I think she thinks is real.
Group Night MVP
Kez Ban. Kez Ban Kez Ban Kez Ban.
Something tells me she doesn’t really get along with many of the girls with whom she said she used to participate in chorus. Something tells me that some of them may have woken up with half their heads shaved on the morning after an overnight trip. So, of course, the judges paired her with three of the most primped and pretty girly-girls in the competition and the producers must have been insanely pleased with their choice.
Kez Ban went from ridiculing the pretty-pretties for song choices that made her want to puke to essentially vomiting up phlegm as she fought a cold to grossing out the musical director to abandoning her group so she could go get some food. That was the first day. Then she toyed with the ‘Idol’ camera in her room the following morning in a bizarre bit of performance art in which she claimed to not be a morning person while playing hide-and-seek simultaneously. All this in a fedora with a hoodie pulled up over top.
Then, she showed up like a total pro and absolutely slayed her vocal on the group performance and help propel her quarter to a perfect four-for-four as they all went through.
Please keep her around. Pretty please.

Related: American Idol, Starpulse Exclusives, Recaps, Television, Reality, FOX, Reality (Talent)

Photo Credits: Michael Becker / FOX

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