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'True Blood' Recap: "Whatever I Am You Made Me' (Season 5, Episode 3)

June 26th, 2012 11:20am EDT

Kristin Bauer van Straten Last week ‘True Blood’ left us with a lot of cliffhangers, most of which didn’t get answered Sunday night. But since I couldn’t care less about Luna’s wolf-baby and Terry and Arlene’s storyline is already getting tired, I’ll just scold HBO for not giving us any Russell and leave it at that.

So what’s up this week?

They didn’t miss a beat to start the show. We saw Tara stalk and attack a stranded motorist and I though, just for a moment that Tara might do something exciting, and instead she apologized to the girl for attacking her and ran off. Pam had an amazing line to end this episode and it’s one I’ve probably yelled at Tara many times. Keep reading we’ll get to it. But I ask you all this: If Tara is so confused by her feelings about being a vampire, why would she go to Sam instead of her maker Pam? WHY?

Why would anyone go to Sam for anything but a booty call? He’s kind of an idiot. Tara goes to Sam and Sam, shocked that she’s a vampire, feeds her all the True Blood in the bar and then stuffs her in the cold-storage locker for safe keeping (well, really so she can sleep during the day, but still…cold storage?) when she passes out on him. Daytime comes and there’s a big sign on the freezer door telling folks it’s broken. Yeah, that’ll keep ‘em out. All Sookie has to do, after Sam lies about seeing Tara, is read his mind and after getting past Sam trying to focus on her breasts so she can’t read his mind, he tells her where Tara is. Lafayette isn’t happy about Sam treating his cousin like a fish stick but since there isn’t another option handy, everyone goes to work at Merlotte’s like it’s perfectly normal to keep vampires in the fridge.

While in the deep freeze, Tara dreams Arlene walks into the freezer and she drains her, but she wakes up to Lafayette feeding her True Blood. Because even as a vampire she’s still annoying Tara, she attacks her cousin and tells him not to touch him. (It really annoys me that Tara still either hasn’t figured out or doesn’t care that she wasn’t turned into a vampire as a punishment but because Lafayette and Sookie love her. Sure it’s a weird way to show your love but, still, they aren’t the brightest bulbs in Bon Temps and they did their best.

The ruckus brings everyone around. Sam, Arlene, Alcide (who was at the bar to interrogate Sookie again about what is up with her) and Sookie. Sookie tries to play it cool, or stupid really (“Tara? What are you doing here?”) and the gig is up. Tara tells them all she wants to rip out there throats and that they have to stay away from her for their own good and she’s off again. She’s going to finally go see her maker, right? This is Tara. The she’s never done the obvious thing…so don’t get your hopes up.

But there are other things going on…let’s not have Tara bogart the recap.

Bill and Eric are going to be let free, sort of. Roman and the Chancellors are going to send them out to kill Russell and/or meet the true death themselves. But before they go they get fitted with harnesses that have a stake in them. At the push of a button, “there’s an app for that”; they could be staked at any time if they act up. We’ve had a lot of shirtless Bill and Eric already this season. Eric wins hands down (and, even on their knees, Eric towers over Bill making him look like he should be the King instead of Bill. I wonder if that was taken into consideration when casting was done. Alexander Skarsgard has a much more kingly presence than Stephen Moyer. No offense to Mr. Sookie.)

The short version of the rest of the Bill and Eric scenes is that they both have sex (not at the same time, sadly) with Salome, one of the Chancellors. We find out that this is at the behest of Roman, who’s also doing the biblical queen. She assures him that neither Bill nor Eric are “Sanguinista” (the folks who believe humans are nothing more than meat pies for the vampires) but Roman surprises her by telling her Nora, Eric’s sister and Salome’s protégé’, confessed to being Sanguinista under the liquid silver torture. (Did I tell you Nora was alive? Oh yeah, she’s alive. Do we care? I guess Eric will care.) The only interesting thing about that entire conversation is we get to watch Christopher Meloni strip. He might not have his “Oz” abs but I’ll take them.

Oh I almost forgot about Reverend Steve. Roman dubs him “The New Nan Flanagan” (which probably doesn’t bode well for him lasting long) as he’s now going to be the spokesperson for the Authority charged with trying to convince humans that vampires don’t want to eat them. Good luck with that, Rev.

One side note about Roman. Christopher Meloni is either going deaf in his older years or the character is being written as if Roman is Dora the Explorer’s dad. He yells every freaking line. Chewing the scenery is one thing but stop assaulting my ears please and thank you.

Oh wait, wait. I suppose it’s important to note Nora, Bill, Eric and now Salome are the only ones who know Nora and Eric share a maker. So keep that info in your pocket because it’ll probably be important at some point this season.

In, again, the most interesting part of the season so far, we get more backstory on Eric and Pam. We find out through Pam’s dreams that it was Bill and Lorena who had been draining all Pam’s girls. Eric steps in and threatens them both, even trying to kill Bill, but Lorena promises they’ll play nice and they take off (only after Pam tells them they owe her $500 for each girl they drained). Eric is the vampire in charge here and it’s completely hot. Pam thinks so too and she begs Eric to turn her because she isn’t looking forward to life as an ageing whore. Eric wants nothing to do with it because he’s a casual kind of guy and being a maker is a big responsibility. Pam begs some more but Eric is Eric and no is no until Pam slices both her wrists and gives Eric a choice, turn her or watch her die.

Pam don’t play.

While I think the Holly/Andy coupling is adorable does anyone care that his naked butt showed up on Holly’s kid’s Facebook page? Also a big yawn, so far, is

Debbie Pelt’s parents Gordon and Barbara showing up looking for her. When we all know what happened to her and why it’s tough to garner sympathy. I could do without Alcide getting all judgmental on Sookie too. When she finally confesses to him what happened to Debbie he isn’t upset that his friend killed his ex-girlfriend or that the only reason Tara is a vampire is because Debbie blew her head off…he’s mad that Sookie didn’t trust him enough to tell him. Shut up Alcide. Shut up and take off your shirt, please.

I like that they’re having Jason analyze his life choices but I could have lived without the source of his himbo-ness being that his first sexual encounter was with one of his teachers. He reenacts that encounter only to discover he has intense guilt about it. Meanwhile Jessica smells some guy at a store who she basically accosts for smelling so good and she runs him away so she shows up at Jason’s for a little something something and ends up just being ‘his friend’ and listening to his woes. Could we not make two of the more exciting characters on the show boring? Jessica is not good when she is boring and I just want to know what they’re going to do with Jason. I still suspect he ends up with Reverend Steve somehow.

As another aside, Jessica keeps referring to Bill as “my daddy”. Is that new? It feels new. And I don’t like it.

Do we care that Hoyt dressed up like the leather guy from the Village People and showed up at Fangtasia? I didn’t think so.

It isn’t that I don’t care that the whole “Lafayette is magic” thing is back, I just don’t like it. After yelling at Arlene, Lafayette puts bleach in his gumbo. He then sees his reflection as that masked monster from last season but shakes himself out of it in time to dump the gumbo and freak out. Alrighty then.

I forgot to mention that when Alcide was being a baby and pouting because Sookie didn’t tell him about Tara and Debbie he told her to “shut up”. I enjoyed that.

Tara is a sad vampire. She doesn’t want to kill anyone…she doesn’t want to have the vampire instincts that she now has…so she’s sad. This leads her to walk forlornly down the street in the dark until she happens upon a hair salon with a tanning bed.

She takes to said tanning bed and my heart starts racing because in a few moments we’ll hear her scream and she’ll be gone! Well, we do hear her scream but she has a maker now who has to take care of her even if she doesn’t want to and the show ends with a disgusted Pam sensing her progeny, disgustedly lamenting in the best line to ever end an episode of ‘True Blood’, “You stupid bitch”.

And we fade to black.

Superlatives

Cutest Couple:

Pam and Eric. Okay, maybe not cutest but it’s fun watching how the two coldest characters on the show developed such a fondness for each other. More flashbacks, please.

Best Line:

Pam to the looky-loos at Fangtasia after Sookie uses her fairy hands to toss Pam into a wall:

“Go back to dry humping each other and buying my over-priced drinks or get the fuck out!"

(As usual, Pam had a lot of great lines “Let me walk the world with you, Mr. Northman, or watch me die!” and “You stupid bitch!” were runners up.)

Biggest Distraction:

In the flashback scene where Eric threatens to kill Bill and bares his fangs, they look longer than his current-day fans and very plastic and fake. It’s tough for me to be afraid of a vampire who looks like he has the prongs of a plastic fork hanging out of his mouth.

Biggest tease:

I will not soon forgive Alan Ball for making me think we would be done with Tara only to end the show reminding us that she has a maker who won’t let her off herself.

Closing credits song:

‘Whatever I Am, You Made Me’ ~ a smoky blues song by Koko Taylor

Related: Kristin Bauer, True Blood, Starpulse Exclusives, Recaps, Television, TV Networks, HBO

Photo Credits: © HBO

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