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Greg Bauch Greg Bauch
Starpulse Contributing Writer
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Greg Bauch is a Stand-Up comic in Buffalo, N.Y., which is like being a brewer in Milwaukee, I think. I'm not sure. I've never been to Milwaukee. Wait, this is supposed to be in the 3rd person... @gregorybauch.

'America's Next Top Model' Finale: The Guy Or Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model

November 16th, 2013 4:31pm EST
antm1
It’s hard to believe it’s the end of the 20th cycle of ‘American’s Next Top Model’. Not hard to believe because it’s been such a long and emotional journey. It’s hard to believe because they like to lie about when the end actually is. Friday night was the finale, for the second week in a row. Let’s hope they actually end it this time so I can finally gather up the modeling advice I’ve gained over 15 weeks and go out into the world and use it for good. Enjoy the final recap of ‘America’s Next Top Model’ I’ll ever do.

Jourdan, Marvin and Corey remain in Tyra Banks’ death-grip thrill ride. At...
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'America's Next Top Model'- The Finale Part I

November 10th, 2013 7:51am EST
ANTM1
We’ve reached the end of the runway. You see what I did there? Normally, it’s ‘road’, but it’s a reality show about models, so I said ‘runway’. I’m clearly out of ideas. The finale of ‘America’s Next Top Model’ aired Friday night. Three strapping and sexy figures smized for a lucrative modeling contract and fame. Here is what happened.

Corey, Jourdan and Marvin remain in this pose-a-riffic test of wills. The first cycle of ANTM that they allow guys to compete and two guys make it to the finale. It is clear which gender is better at arching their back or whatever the hell it is you need to ...
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'America's Next Top Model'- The Guy Who Becomes A Bat

November 3rd, 2013 9:15am EST
antm3
Life as we know it s spiraling out of control. Only 5 models remain on Cycle 20 of ‘America’s Next Top Model’. Dramatic drama is at a season high. Everyone hates everyone, except for the people who have fallen in love with each other. The end is so close, we can smell it. It smells like one of those Abercrombie stores.

We begin the action with the models returning to their suite in Bali. Nina Cat Ears and Jeremy the virgin were both eliminated last week. Everyone is sad about Nina’s departure. They’re also mad at Chris H. for pretending like he’s sad. Chris H. is not sad. He had a troubled...
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'America's Next Top Model' Recap: The Girl Who Gets Kissed On An Elephant

October 21st, 2013 8:18am EDT
ANTM1
Seven big ballin’ Bali models remain in our hunt to find a winner in cycle 20 of ‘America’s Next Top Model’. With the end in sight, the models are all starting to turn on each other. There’s drama. It’s dramatic.

We start fast with the models sitting on the floor talking about pictures of themselves. Tyra Banks totally walks into their villa mansion type place and everyone goes nuts. Who wouldn’t? She’s Tyra Banks and you’ve only seen her every day for the past couple of months.

Marvin is in the yard of the villa crying so Tyra Banks goes out to comfort him. She asks, “What’s wrong?” I’d ...
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'America's Next Top Model' - The Boy Who Has a Panic Attack

October 12th, 2013 4:30pm EDT
ANTM1
Tyra Banks’ rag tag crew of emotionally troubled models has arrived in Bali. I still haven’t figured out what part of

California Bali is in. I hope the fun and excitement of Bali doesn’t make it difficult for everyone to concentrate on their modeling.

Anyway, 8 models remain on this cycle of ‘America’s Next Top Model’. They brought back two models last week and eliminated one. We’re moving backwards. This cycle is never going to end. It’s a vicious cycle.

The kids all rush back into the mansion to pack for their trip. Although the group is traveling, they’re packing the drama to bring al...
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'America's Next Top Model'- The Girl Who Gets Punked

October 5th, 2013 5:58pm EDT
ANTM1
After a one week hiatus, 'America’s Next Top Model' is back. ANTM left us hanging from a cliff, wondering which male was coming back to the show. I lost a lot of hair worrying about it. Now I know how Roger Maris felt.

We were down to 7 models after the last judgment ceremony. Then, Tyra Banks brought back Alexandra because she had the best Social Media scores. Again, I must point out, this first-run, non-repeat show uses scores from people watching from home. I’m sorry to beat a dead horse but, how are people watching a show from home that hasn’t happened yet? Do these people know when I’...
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'America's Next Top Model' Recap- The Girl Whose Walk Is TOO Good

September 22nd, 2013 11:45am EDT
ANTM1
‘America’s Next Top Model’ is streaking to the finish line. Eight models remain; five guys and three girls. In the first cycle that guys were allowed to participate in ANTM, they’re kicking booch. Did you see what I did there? See it?

We begin our episode with some back story. Phil narrowly escaped elimination last week, just beating out his mansion mate Jiana. Phil’s cavalier attitude about modeling has him in the judgment crosshairs of his fellow models. Show producers show us evidence of Phil’s maturity by rolling out the footage of him throwing a rock that breaks a fence. Even if you’r...
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'America's Next Top Model' Recap- The Guy Who Cried

September 15th, 2013 6:23am EDT
ANTM1
Cycle 20 of America’s Next Top Model was apparently getting too fierce and manly for everyone, so they rolled out an episode titled ‘The Guy Who Cried’. It’s about time someone on this show got in touch with their emotions. Everyone is so introverted and withdrawn. That’s not healthy if you’ve had a troubled past. I hope Chris H. is the guy who cries. That guy could use a good water works session. Chris H. puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch. Maybe those are the guys who cry. Maybe there’s more groin-punching. Let's find out.

The episode begins with solemn reflection. Re...
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'America's Next Top Model' Recap- The Girl Who's Scared of Clowns

September 7th, 2013 8:10am EDT
ANTM1
‘America’s Next Top Model’ is in mid-cycle form. Tyra Bank’s motley crew of models is schmizing and booching their way up the fashion ladder. They’re also generating enough sexual tension to power a casino.

We begin this week’s episode with model mansion drama. Nina Cat Ears and Chris H. with the troubled past have a touching chat about their plutonic relationship. Jeremy and Jourdain flirt.

The guys get bored and prank the girls by taping their underwear to the ceiling. The guys’ focus was to take the girls off their game. It backfires. The girls band together and take a naked bubble bat...
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'America's Next Top Model' Recap: 'The Guy Who Gets to Kiss the Girl'

September 1st, 2013 9:56am EDT
America's Next Top Model
We charge into this episode of ‘America’s Next Top Model with passionate drama in the ANTM mansion. Jourdain is explaining how proud she is of winning a challenge because of her abusive past. Jourdain had an abusive past. Her ex-husband verbally abused her. She says that, “It kind of made my self-esteem not normal.” There’s some dramatic music. Then, the guys jump around, scream, and play foosball.

None of the models are allowed to talk to their family or loved ones. They complain about it. Alexandra explains that they only get 5-to-10 minutes each a day to call back home. I don’t talk to ...
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