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'America's Next Top Model'- Sexy Kitties

August 17th, 2013 10:30am EDT

ANTM1 Do you like pictures of guys acting like sexually controlled, leather-clad kitty cats? I like to start my ‘America’s Next Top Model’ recaps with a rhetorical question.
Episode 3 of America’s Next Top Model was kind of boring. I know what you’re thinking. How can you take a bunch of models, put them together with a Supermodel, have them whip each other, and still call it boring? That is what I just did. It was boring.
14 contestants remain in this epic battle between male and female models. Fame and riches await the winner. In the meantime, there will be a lot of pictures taken and made-up words used.
We start things out with ‘No Game’ Marvin sharing his Guess clothes with Don. Marvin won a bunch of free clothes last week because he was fierce. Keep up! The boys show off their new and very expensive clothes by playing foosball.
Host Tyra Banks and Judge Rob Evans gather the models together to lay out the week. Rob and Tyra announced that they’re a couple and everyone screams. There is so much screaming on this show. It was a false alarm. Tyra and Rob were totally LOLing because it was a goof. It was a good goof. I felled for it. They totally goofed me.
Tyra announces that the first photo shoot will be about chemistry and inhaling. This show is a lot like life. It’s all chemistry and breathing. They pair off the models for their chemistry/inhale shoot. The theme of the photo shoot is Sexy/Fierce. I’m pretty sure that’s the theme of every photo shoot, but I don’t argue.
Tyra brings out Victoria Secret Supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio to help with the shoot. There is more screaming. I make a noise, but it’s not really a scream. It’s more like a groin groan. Allesandra is attractive.
Make-up is next. Nina Cat Ears gets her face painted like a cat. Phil and Jeremy put on spiked collars and act like cats. There’s a lot of cat action going on. I call it ‘Caction’. If Tyra can use words that don’t’ exist, I can use words that don’t exist. Tyra paints X’s on a couple of the guy’s faces. I think it’s symbolism for something.
Mike the non-Ice Cream Truck guy is having trouble finding his emotions. The attractive photographer lady gives him some pointers. The pointers help. Mike finds his emotions. I’m confused because Mike’s face looks the same, with or without emotions. I have a lot to learn about modeling and chemistry and inhaling.
When leather cat pictures are finished, the models head back to their mansion to jump on a table. Then, a limo brings them to the next photo shoot. I don’t know why the limo didn’t just take them to the next shoot. It seems like a waste of fuel, but I don’t argue.
It is announced that, aside from sexy cat week, it’s also makeover week. You guys, try to keep up.
The models select cards that tell them how they are to be made over. Each time a card is selected, everyone screams. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ has robbed me of 17% of my hearing.
Some of the models do not like their makeover. Cory has his head shaved. He says that he doesn’t want to cry and that he’s trying not to cry. I make the same pact at home. Cory rises above his head shaving and brings the fierceness.
A fat guy with a lot of hair on his back walks in to explain manscaping. Manscaping is the removal of a man’s body hair. My computer needs to learn about manscaping because it keeps underlining the word with a red squiggly line. My computer is not fierce.
Some woman in a lab coat brings out hot wax and starts ripping off hair. There is more screaming. They ripped this bit off of ’40-year old Virgin’.
Meanwhile, Jourdain is getting her hair bleached blonde. Jourdain is upset because they’re changing her hair color. She doesn’t want people to think she’s dumb because she’s blonde. Jourdain doesn’t understand that hair dye does not actually alter DNA. It’s sad because people are going to think Jourdain is dumb, but it has nothing to do with her hair. Plus, she spells her name wrong.
Chlea and Judge Kelly Cutrone had a fight last week. They talk things out and make up. It’s a spiritual makeover. Spiritual makeovers are boring because, when they’re completed, no one screams.
Phil doesn’t like how his makeover is going. He’s bummed out. Everyone comes over to give him words of encouragement to help him through the traumatic period of his life. I pause the broadcast to run to church and light a candle. Phil digs deep and inhales and stuff. It works. Phil lives.
The judges judge the makeover photos. Once again, Social Media scores are included in the final tally, which makes NO SENSE BECAUSE THE SHOW IS AIRED WEEKS AFTER THE RESULTS WERE ALREADY DETERMINED? HOW DOES THIS SHOW CONTROL TIME?
Some of the models score well. Some don’t. Tyra critiques Phil by saying, “I wanna see a booch. This was your time to boy booty tooch.” I’m confused, but the CW pulls up a graphic to explain that Phil’s butt is not currently a ‘booch’. I now know the difference between when a man has his butt properly positioned to booch and when a man does not. I feel like I should get a retro college credit or something.
Before he’s judged, Cory cries about his bald head, even though he promised that he wouldn’t cry. I feel betrayed.
After the votes are tallied, Chlea is sent home. That’s life. One moment, you’re inhaling and spiritually made over, the next moment, you’re kicked off of a Reality TV show.

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Photo Credits: The CW

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