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'America's Next Top Model'- Booching And Breaking Ankles

August 24th, 2013 6:44pm EDT

ANTM1 I’m going to recap ‘America’s Next Top Model’. It shouldn’t take you long to figure out that I have no idea what I’m talking about. This show doesn’t make a ton of sense. I do know that the idea is to be fierce and not booch, unless the occasion calls for booching. If so, you must booch. A good model knows when to booch. Look, let’s just take the booching on a booch-by-booch basis.
The 13 remaining contestants on the show arrive at their mansion from a grueling day of making fierce faces. I’ve never noticed this about the mansion before but, there is a mannequin’s head with deer antlers on the wall. I guess it’s there to remind the models that the fashion world is a jungle, or a forest, or something.
Mike the non-Ice Cream Truck guy discovers that he won most fierce photo from the previous challenge. Mike gets to pick clothes out of the Guess closet and then sleep in a suite. The suite stay is special because all of the other mansion rooms are complete dumps.
The drama-meter suddenly spikes when Mike tries to make an announcement and Chris H. with the troubled past won’t stop talking. Mike tells him to shut the bleep up and it’s on. The music gets super scary. Mike and Chris H. yell at each other. Everyone’s face looks like mine did during the ending of the final episode of ‘The Sopranos’. Chris H. is a bit of a spark plug. He puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch. Someone is about to get crotch-punched.
The argument carries over into the next room. We’re 3 minutes into the episode and no one has modeled yet or even practiced their fierce face. I start to wonder if any of these kids really want it.
Chris H. tells the camera that he’s upset with Mike’s verbal attack because of his troubled past. Chris H’s mom used to throw her cell phone at him. Then, she abandoned him. The music goes from ‘Serial Killer’ to ‘Soft Piano’.

Cory convinces Chris H. to explain his troubled past to the rest of the models so they won’t think he’s so weird for putting on boxing gloves and punching people in the crotch. Chris H. apologizes. The models accept Chris and his boxing glove ways. Mike doesn’t accept Chris H. for who he is. The stage is set for more drama.
The first photo shoot comes next. It’s good because, it’s a modeling show. The contestants are told they will be walking on a runway that spins. It’s a good way to break someone’s ankles. Cat Ears Nina already has a sore ankle. The music shows that there’s a good chance Nina won’t survive this episode.
Nina cries to the judges about ankle-gate. The judges basically tell her, “Walk on a spinning record runway or go home.” Modeling is tough, yo. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ medics wrap Nina’s ankle. I’ll bet ‘America’s Next Top Model’ medics are top of the line. The models put on clothes. They kind of look like David Bowie in every movie he’s ever been in.
The challenge begins. The models all slip when they hit the spinning records. Nina digs deep and doesn’t fall. She also doesn’t die. I say a little prayer.

Jourdain kicks butt despite the manner in which she spells her name. Jeremy showed his chest which is apparently not a good idea because the judges have a horrified reaction. Jourdain wins the challenge. She gets a chance to go on something called Nylon TV and keeps her clothes. The clothes will come in handy if she’s ever cast in an adult version of ‘Star Wars’.
The next challenge is a Trailer Park photo shoot. The ANTM bus limo takes the crew to a trailer park. The models get to choose their photo shoot mates. They put on trashy ‘trailer park’ clothes.
There are pictures of ridiculous picnics. I’m not sure what is going on. Everyone has the same face for every picture but only some of the models get yelled at for it. We’re 4 episodes in and, I do not understand modeling. I need Cliff Notes or something.

They finally bring in Tyra Banks. She critiques the models and helps announce the Social Media scores that make no sense because fans are somehow reacting to something that hasn’t happened yet. This show is ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’ confusing.
The scores are tallied. Mike is sent home. Tyra picked Mike off of an Ice Cream truck. Today, he goes back to the Ice Cream truck. I know this much about ‘America’s Next Top Model’. It’s the circle of life.

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Photo Credits: The CW

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