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'America's Next Top Model' Recap- The Girl Who's Scared of Clowns

September 7th, 2013 8:10am EDT

ANTM1 ‘America’s Next Top Model’ is in mid-cycle form. Tyra Bank’s motley crew of models is schmizing and booching their way up the fashion ladder. They’re also generating enough sexual tension to power a casino.
We begin this week’s episode with model mansion drama. Nina Cat Ears and Chris H. with the troubled past have a touching chat about their plutonic relationship. Jeremy and Jourdain flirt.
The guys get bored and prank the girls by taping their underwear to the ceiling. The guys’ focus was to take the girls off their game. It backfires. The girls band together and take a naked bubble bath. I did not make that part up.
Following the naked bubble bath (and hats off to that, by the way) the models head off to their first photo shoot. They arrive on a farm owned by the founder of the Emerson clothing line. The contestants are charged with planning, posing, and photographing their own shoot. It’s a lot to ask from people with such troubled pasts.
The models team up and choose their themes. Team Corey goes with ‘Farm Alien Invasion’. Team Marvin does a ‘Farmer’s Daughter’ deal. Team Jourdain just lays on a tractor and looks hot. It’s a win.
Things don’t well on the alien shoot. Phil gets mad and throws a rock. Chris points out how immature this action is because, if someone was walking by, that rock could have killed them. I get choked up because my grandparents were both viciously murdered by a model with ADHD who throw a rock. It’s emotional.
Back at the mansion, Chris starts yelling at Jiana because she sighs. Apparently, sighing was a part of Chris’ troubled past. Jiana leaves the room because, whatever. Chris yells Nina in a language other than English. Nina Cat Ears tries to help Chris because they’ve both have troubled pasts. Chris cries. Then, the models have a conversation about negative energy hug. It’s an insincere hug. Those are the worst kind.
Later in the episode, they replay Phil’s rock throwing and we’re all forced the re-live it. The rock throwing is like a nightmare you can’t wake up from. I just want to put Phil’s rock throwing behind me and CW won’t let me.
It’s prank time again and no one is working on their modeling. The guys put clowns in the girls’ room. Kanani is terrified of clowns and has an asthma attack. SHE HAS AN ASTHMA ATTACK OVER CLOWNS! No one is working on their modeling.
The next photo shoot revolves around nail polish. The guys and girls all put on stylish nail polish. There’s College Football on a different channel. Latin photographer Franco Lacosta takes charge of the shoot by instructing the models to act like birds, fly away and to turn themselves on.
Nina and Chris continue their spat through the photo shoot. Nina can’t pose because she’s still mad at Chris and his troubled past. Lacosta tells Nina that he hates her mouth. That seems cruel. Chris has a terrible shoot because he feels bad about fighting with Nina. Neither model is concentrating on their modeling.
Jeremy the virgin has trouble with his shoot because he’s in love with Jourdain and can’t concentrate on the picture takin’. Jeremy isn’t concentrating on his modeling.
Kanani has trouble with her shoot because she’s still thinking about clowns. She’s distracted. She’s not thinking about her modeling.
‘No Game’ Marvin has a good shoot even though he makes the same face he always makes. I don’t understand modeling. I guess I’m not concentrating on my modeling. Despite the fact that the girls all think he’s pathetic, Marvin is killing this competition. He will go on to become the first model in the history of Earth who is completely incapable of landing a girlfriend.
The models find out that 2 models go home this week and there is a ton of stressing. They all stress. I stress at home. It’s stressful.
Once again, Social Media scores account for a large percentage of the overall grade, even though the show hasn't aired yet. How are these people voting from home on a show they haven't seen?
The two models sent home are Jeremy and Kanani. Kanani does not take elimination well. It doesn’t seem fair. She broke zero fences and threw zero rocks but still lost out to Phil.
There are now nine models remaining. We’ll lose some of the sexual tension opportunities with the loss of Jeremy, but we’ll gain in our average score of sexual experience.
Next week, there’s drama so, we have that to look forward to.

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Photo Credits: The CW

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