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'America's Next Top Model'- The Girl Who Gets Punked

October 5th, 2013 5:58pm EDT

ANTM1 After a one week hiatus, 'America’s Next Top Model' is back. ANTM left us hanging from a cliff, wondering which male was coming back to the show. I lost a lot of hair worrying about it. Now I know how Roger Maris felt.

We were down to 7 models after the last judgment ceremony. Then, Tyra Banks brought back Alexandra because she had the best Social Media scores. Again, I must point out, this first-run, non-repeat show uses scores from people watching from home. I’m sorry to beat a dead horse but, how are people watching a show from home that hasn’t happened yet? Do these people know when I’m going to die or if the Bills will every win?

In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “Who are these people?”

Anyway, we’re still gathered in the judgment room thing. Keep up! The eliminated models are crying because they know someone is about to be brought back into the fold and continue with their journey to become America’s next top model in Bali.
Paul, Jeremy and Ice Cream Truck Mike stand center stage. Mike is quickly sent back to his ice cream truck ways.

After a ton of crying, Jeremy the virgin is saved. He gets a chance to go to Bali. I don’t know why they’re all going to Bali. Why do we have to outsource our modeling sites? Why can’t the models go to Dayton, or something? The local economy could use the boon of revenue.
Back at the mansion, drama happens. Renee promised not to speak for a week if a guy won best photo. Chris H. won best photo. Renee doesn’t keep her promise.
I can’t dwell on that drama long because Chris H. also invited Alexandra to the Guess room to get new clothes and he did NOT invite Nina Cat Ears. Nina has been a friend to Chris H. and his troubled past. Not cool, Chris H. Nina cries with those giant eyes.
Holy crap! I can’t keep up with that drama because Alexandra is confessing to the camera that she has been battling an ailment for the last year and a half. Her heart beats too hard and her brain doesn’t get enough oxygen. I’m pretty sure the blood pumped by your heart carries oxygen places but, I don’t argue. Alexandra isn’t here to take Math tests. She’s here because she’s gorgeous.
Alexandra has learned an important lesson about Reality Television. If you want to win, you need to have an emotionally crippling back story. I don’t know if this heart beat thing will carry her to the crown but it’s a start.
Jeepers! There’s more mansion drama. Jourdan is complaining about Jeremy, who won’t stop dwelling on the fact that Jourdan got married and divorced at 19. She threatens violence. This show is dramatic. They should call it ‘America’s Next Top Dramatic Model’.
We get a breather from the mansion drama with the episode challenge. The challenge will occur in front of a green screen. Chris H. is nervous because he’s never been in front of a green screen before.
The shoot is for a revitalizing drink called ‘Quaff’. It’s really a big goof. Kelly Cutrone introduces Vincent St. George who is really comedian Reggie Watts. It’s totally LOL funny.
Watts has the model prance around stuffed camels and unicorns while acting silly. They follow the instruction, unaware that Watts is messing with them. They are asked to kiss the camel and jump in a baby swimming pool. It’s very high fashion.
Renee freaks out because she’s afraid of stuffed animals. She has an irrational fear of things in mascot suits. Our tough girl plows through it and models. Jourdan and Alexandra do well with the fake Quaff shoot. Jourdan wins another challenge. She gets a basket of goodies and everyone hates her, more so.
Do you guys remember that dramatic thing that happened 8 paragraphs ago? Well, we’re back there because Renee, Chris H. Jourdan, and Jeremy fight. Chris H. leaves a note on a dirty dish. Renee refuses to clean said dish. What transpires is 7 straight minutes of screaming and bleeped out swear words.
Renee attacks Chris H. about his troubled past. Jeremy attacks Jourdan about her troubled past. Troubled pasts are being thrown around like rag dolls. At this point, everyone has a troubled present. No one is concentrating on their modeling.
The models talk things out and resolve their issues. It’s like an episode of ‘Growing Pains’. Corey convinces the girls that they’re being stupid. Everyone hugs, except Renee. She goes to bed without apologizing.
The photo shoot is next. Tyra has the kids at Birmingham High School to extol the benefits of being flawsome. My computer thinks I spelled a word wrong. My computer doesn’t know that flawsome = you and your flaws being awesome. My computer is so lame. I’m right clicking ‘flawsome’ and adding it to the dictionary. Someone has to teach my computer high fashion.
The models pose with Super Model Shaun Ross. Shaun has a condition that makes it impossible to produce skin pigment. He’s flawsome. Zendaya also joins the shoot. She’s an actress. Zendaya is more awesome than flawsome.
The models are given their flaws to accentuate. Corey rocks a widow’s peak. Chris H. gets a gapped tooth. Renee gets Tyra Banks big ole’ fivehead. Alexandra is given big hips that do not appear unnecessarily big. I’m not sure these perfect people can grasp the concepts of flaws.
The photo shoot is intense. Jourdan remarks that her biggest fear is staying in the top 3 of the competition. My worst fear is coming home to find my family brutally murdered. Every one has fears.
Chris H. couldn’t find the right balance between showing his teeth and looking like a chipmunk. The photographer yells at him. He shows his teeth but doesn’t do it well. Tyra tells Chris H. that he was supposed to do something with his mouth. I couldn’t be a model. This criticism makes no sense.
The judges tell Jourdan that she’s posing too much. She’s a model. I’m confused.
The judgment ceremony is next. One model is getting sent home and won’t be on the trip to Bali. There’s a lot on the line. Alexandra freaks out. Her heart beats due to her heart beat condition. Alexandra leaves the ceremony to go to the ‘America’s Next Top Model’ medical station. My Dad had his hip surgery performed there.
Despite her condition, Alexandra is in the bottom two with Chris H. Chris has to stand alone and he cries a lot. There’s snot everywhere. They should call this show ‘America’s Next Snot Model’.
Alexandra is sent home. The show producer walks into her room and asks her how she’s doing and then sends her home. I’m sure this elimination should help her heart condition. Next week, we’ll be in Bali. Bring it.

Related: America's Next Top Model, Starpulse Exclusives, Recaps, Fashion, The CW

Photo Credits: The CW

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