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'America's Next Top Model' Finale: The Guy Or Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model

November 16th, 2013 4:31pm EST | Greg Bauch By: Greg Bauch

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It’s hard to believe it’s the end of the 20th cycle of ‘American’s Next Top Model’. Not hard to believe because it’s been such a long and emotional journey. It’s hard to believe because they like to lie about when the end actually is. Friday night was the finale, for the second week in a row. Let’s hope they actually end it this time so I can finally gather up the modeling advice I’ve gained over 15 weeks and go out into the world and use it for good. Enjoy the final recap of ‘America’s Next Top Model’ I’ll ever do.

Jourdan, Marvin and Corey remain in Tyra Banks’ death-grip thrill ride. At the end of last week’s “finale”, the judges rushed into the backstage area of a fashion runway show to tell the final three that they were now to become a final two. Then, the credits rolled and I punched a hole into some drywall. I’ve been a nervous wreck all week. Because they waited to unveil the winner, I had to wear fierce fuchsia for two whole weeks.

We pick up where they left off. Tyra announces that the model leaving the show is Corey. I wore fierce fuchsia for nothing. Corey stays strong and says he will still go out there and “model my ass off”. He should probably keep his booch, but Corey would know better than I would. If this is your first time reading one of these, a ‘booch’ is a butt positioned in a certain way as to accentuate fierceness. Now, we’re all learning.

Tyra gives the remaining models a speech about how she once got fired from a runway show minutes before it began. It’s inspiring. I take a mental note to remind myself to be inspired. Jourdan and Marvin get ready to walk out in front of people and look good. Jourdan says, “I’m going to give it a thousand percent, and more.” I’m going to miss listening to Jourdan talk.

We have 50 minutes of show left and the only content remaining is two models walking in a straight line and back. I’m prepared for filler. We get some Bali torch walkers. There are some dramatic backstage moments. Corey is sad. He’s trying to wipe away tears and solider on through the fashion show. I guess they’re letting all of the models walk the runway. It’s another ANTM curve ball.

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The runway walk is weird. There are Bali people chanting in Bali, I think. I don’t speak Bali but I’m assuming it is Bali talk. I guess you can say THERE’S A LOT OF BALI-HOO!!!! Sorry, that just kind of slipped out.

We watch a movie. Tyra shows us the fashion feature they filmed last week. It’s called ‘Danger Love’. They stole my band name idea. Here’s a recap of the movie:

Jourdan frolics around to some club beats. She sits down next to Corey and they make out. There’s a tiger growl sound effect played as they make out. It’s fierce. Marvin steps in. Jourdan loves him. She still spells her name wrong. We fast forward. It is now one year later. Keep up!

Jourdan is still walking. Now Corey is making out with another woman. It’s betrayal. I feel betrayed. Marvin’s back. Jourdan hugs him. There’s hugging. They make out. There are no tiger growls. Jourdan runs away. The film ends.

 We’re back to ‘America’s Next Top Model’. The three finalists walk the runway. There’s another tiger growl inserted. I’m getting nervous. This is all too much.

Jourdan is the favorite. Then, all hell breaks loose.

Jourdan trips over her dress a little bit. It’s the most dramatic thing that has ever happened on this planet. The music used to set the scene for Jourdan’s dress slip is the same kind of music you’d hear in a movie for a school bus fire.

The models get changed for their next pass on the runway. They dress Jourdan like a golden camouflaged sniper. Corey, Marvin and Jourdan act out a scene where Corey and Marvin fight over Jourdan. I’m not sure that last sentence is English. Jourdan kicks Corey in the groin and makes out with Marvin. No tiger growl.

The models change clothes again. It’s all happening so fast. Marvin and Jourdan model the crap out of modeling. There is so much modeling going on. You guys have no idea.

When the modeling is done, there’s a final walk of final modeling for the finale of the modeling show. All of the modeling is over. I take a huge deep breath. At last, everyone can stop focusing on their modeling. Johnny Wujek tells both of the finalists that they did well. You guys, I’m nervous.

Just when you think it’s over, it’s not. There’s more modeling. Tyra shows up with a camera the next day. She’s going to take the final pictures of Marvin and Jourdan. They’re going to get their pictures taken in front of a Banyan tree. It’s how everything should end.

There are pictures and trees. This show is endless. Jourdan and Marvin both pose and move their faces. Tyra tells Jourdan to be symmetrical. I couldn’t be a model because I have no idea what that means. Marvin thinks that Bali has chosen him to win. I’m not sure it’s up to Bali.

Before the final judgment, Marvin and Jourdan shake hands and wish each other good luck. All’s fair in love and smizing. My computer still underlines ‘smizing’ like I’m spelling it wrong. My computer is lame.

The final judgment is next, I think. The champion will be crowned based on their entire body of work. The judges loved Marvin’s face when he walked the runway. It’s the same face he’s had all season. I don’t understand modeling.antm3

The judges tell Jourdan that her legs were really long for the final runway walk. I… don’t… aren’t those just her legs? Can you make your legs longer for a final runway shot? This show creates more questions than answers.

Next, we run through their pictures from the entire season. We see stuff we’ve already seen, but I enjoy the trip down memory lane. People talk. There’s talking. Kelly, Tyra, Rob and Brianboy all say nice things about the nice models.

There’s an impromptu discussion about what makes a good model. Is it personality or looks? I yell out, “Looks!” to my TV but the judges can’t hear me.

We’re ready to announce the winner. Tyra says, “Guys, this is hard”. I couldn’t have said it better myself. On one hand, we have a beautiful blonde woman who overcame her troubled past to become good at sticking her butt out and elongating her legs. On the other hand, we have a janitor’s son who overcame being a janitor’s son to be good at having the same face in every picture ever taken of him. Somewhere, a tiger growls.

Tyra announces the winner. The winner is Jourdan. Jourdan cries. Jourdan and Marvin hug because they’re good sports.

Marvin handles the loss well. He’s just happy to have made it this far and thinks that his story should inspire America. I’m American and I’m inspired so, well done, Marvin.

Jourdan and Tyra hug. Tyra admits that she wanted a boy to win, even though, in week one, she told us all that she wanted a girl to win. Tyra lies, yo?

Jourdan handles the win like only Jourdan could. She cries and talks about her troubled past. They show Chris H. and Ice Cream truck Mike getting their $1,000 for supporting Jourdan. Mike probably feels how Judas felt getting his 30 gold pieces for abandoning Christ. Yes. I just made a Judas reference in my ‘America’s Next Top Model’ recap. They’re getting my room ready in hell. My room has a TV. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ is on that TV 24/7.

We all get to look forward to seeing Jourdan wear Guess clothes in magazines. Kelly says that Guess is king of the denim world. I didn’t know there was a denim world. I’d like to visit this denim world.

I think we all learned something about ourselves watching cycle 20 of ‘American’s Next Top Model’. I learned to never put on boxing gloves and punch people in the crotch. If you do that, you’re not concentrating on your modeling.

Photo Credits: The 'CW'