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Why Do Celebs Get Married?

September 4th, 2012 8:54pm EDT

Kris Humphires Opinion: Why would a Lindsay Lohan type, who furthers her career by seeking out trouble and creating scandals, or any celebrity for that matter, get married?

Even for those of us considered normal, the institution of marriage could be seen as a potentially, fatally flawed act of lunacy. You go into a church and stand before a priest, rabbi or holy man, whatever. You make promises you have no understanding of the magnitude of, because you don’t even understand yourself, making lifetime vows to another person---whom you also don’t fully understand-----and they also don’t understand themselves either.

This is a recipe for disaster.

The preacher says, “Will you love honor and obey, and cherish, all the days of your life?”

The correct answer should be, “I will until I get tired of it, which according to statistics, is probably next year.”

Shirley MacLaine said it another way. “Is the F-ing (F word deleted) you get, worth the (F-ing) you get.”

That’s for those of us considered normal. For a celebrity, it has to be figuratively like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute, based on the supposition things will work out.

You make millions of dollars and you have six huge houses scattered around the world. You’re selfish, conceited, arrogant, malicious and morose, and maniacally competitive---that’s how you became successful. Your career you have relentlessly pushed, trampling and chewing everybody who stood between you and it.

And after this, with millions of dollars in the bank and an army of lawyers and sycophant slaves and worshipers who drool over you for the phony image you represent. You’re going to promise to love and obey—when you only love yourself?

You’re going to love and obey someone who is less successful than you but good enough for you to know them?

You’re going to make promises that, like most of us, you are unable to fathom their magnitude or length. If you’re a star, you’ll be away from the little woman (your wife) or little man (husband) for months at a time. You’ll be making movies. Members of the opposite sex who want to gain fame and dig gold from you will be flinging their bodies at you.

And you’re going to say, to an alleged lifetime of faithful domesticity, “I do?”

It begs the question, why does a star do that? I think you and I might say we do it because we think we want to share our entire lives with someone we can love. The star might even want that too, though the star from the beginning had to love their career to make it work.

Ask Mickey Rooney. Mickey has been married to everybody in Hollywood, including your Aunt Flo. He kept getting married again and again.

There must be a psychological, what I call, a paradox. The star lives a life that is a monument to self-indulgence, self-aggrandizement, preening self-love, yet still for some perverse reason, wants the trappings outwardly of the false stability represented by the institution of marriage—a chimera given the always high rate of divorce among celebrities and everybody else.

The star, just like you and I, manages to fool themselves that this single act will make them happy, but unlike you and I, have much greater pressures placed upon them, for most of the time, a star career can’t be walked away from at 5 p.m. like a checker job at Walmart. A star has to work full time to maintain being a star.

Unlike getting a gun, there is no background check before getting married, and for many of us, not all of us, marriage is an act of well-intended, overly-optimistic flight of fancy. But for a star like Lindsay Lohan, it’s an act that could be described conservatively as a flight from reality.

The preacher should amend his normal comments to say, “Do you Lindsay, takes this man (whoever), to take your money, to give you hell because you never bothered to find out who or what he is, to seldom see you during movie shoots, to sleep with other women, to have and hold your seven expensive cars, and totally demolish three of them while drunk driving---for better or worse, almost always worse---until you can get to an attorney?”

If Lindsay then said to all of that, “I do,” then that, would at least be---reasonable.

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