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'Real Housewives Of New Jersey' Recap: Drinking With The Enemy

July 8th, 2013 10:21am EDT

Melissa Kathy decided to accept her test kitchen from her awful 1950s husband so she can get some work done in peace. In this oasis, she gets to work on cannoli recipes, and invite her friends Caroline, Jacqueline and Rosie over for gossip and taste-testing without Richie breathing down her neck. Rosie delights the ladies with the tale of her meeting with Teresa, and also floats the possibility of them all accompanying her on their “stress retreat.” That would be a firm “no” from all parties.
Teresa, once again reminds the cameras that her father is very ill, and that her parents and brother are the only thing she’s got in this whole entire world. As she says this, her husband and four daughters and sprawling mansion don’t really come to mind, but you know, details. Her parents, along with her in-laws, have come over to make sausages while all wearing Fabulicious aprons. The woman knows how to sell a product.
She tells her father that she’s willing to work things out with Joe, for his sake. Her dad doesn’t seem to care very much, but hey, whatever works. She calls up Joe while he’s golfing with Richie and invites him to go on the retreat. He’s very confused about the meaning of the word “retreat,” but tentatively agrees to go. It’s going to be a long weekend at that castle in upstate New York.
Melissa goes out with some non-RHONJ friends and tells them all about her book deal, and then blathers about her feud with Teresa. She mentions in her talking head that she doesn’t go out with these friends much since she’s been married, and it’s kind of clear (and hilarious) why, from this snippet – nobody outside of the RHONJ universe understands or cares about these tiny, strange problems.
Kathy and Jacqueline are out shopping at a very small boutique when Kathy gets a call from Teresa, inviting her on the family retreat. Fortunately, since this is Bravo, Kathy is obligated to take the call on speaker, and Teresa immediately starts ragging on Jacqueline. Not to be messed with any longer, Jacqueline swoops in and snatches Kathy’s phone. Then the yelling starts. Teresa “dares” Jacqueline to come on the retreat, and she screams back that she’s considering it, as the people just trying to shop in this very tiny store watch in a mix of horror and bemusement. Eventually, a mortified Kathy gets the phone back, and hustles Jacqueline out of there; she rightly notes that Jac’s not over the Teresa situation by a longshot – and both ladies are crazy.
Teresa, as it turns out, has her own group of non-RHONJ gal pals, that includes Kim D, Jennifer, the real estate agent who hated Melissa’s house, someone named Penny and…Jan, Melissa’s friend from lunch?? Jan, who is supposedly such a good friend to Melissa that she was a bridesmaid in her wedding, tells Teresa that Melissa cheated on Joe. WHAT IS GOING ON?
Oh dear god, Melissa, Joe, Kathy and Richie are all attending an erotic dance workshop. It’s a nightmare. Joe is the best dancer of them all, but for someone who really wasn’t a stripper, Melissa doesn’t do half-bad. Poor Kathy just doesn’t want to be there in front of these people, and looks so nervous.
Joe and Melissa host a brunch for everyone (but Teresa’s family), and they discuss the retreat. It’s decided that the family members are all going, but Jacqueline is going to sit this one out; she’s in a place where she doesn’t need Teresa back in her life, so why force it?
Real Estate Agent Jennifer called Melissa and asked her to go to lunch, which is especially awful because Melissa thinks she has someone who wants to buy her house. But it turns out that Jennifer is on Team Melissa, which is really refreshing. She tells her everything that happened at the lunch, and to watch her back around Jan and Kim D. It turns out the guy in question is someone that Melissa dated 10 years ago. What is Jan up to?
When Melissa goes out for drinks later with Joe, Kathy and Richie, and Jacqueline and Chris, they run into Kim D. Of course they confront her. She sputters something about just listening to Jan’s story, and not being able to do anything about someone who “doesn’t like Melissa anymore.” Melissa tells her to go scratch, and confirms that she’s not cheating on Joe by making out with him in public.
Kathy is also very concerned during this confrontation that Jacqueline might be slipping further and further off the deep end. She throws a napkin at the back of Kim’s head, talks to herself loudly about Teresa, and basically demonstrates how NOT over her fight with Teresa she truly is; maybe she should go on the retreat after all?
Everybody’s favorite friend Jennifer sets up another lunch date – this time with Teresa. She lets her know that she told Melissa everything, because frankly, she wants her listing. Teresa is understandably upset because she’s been trying to put this retreat together, and now everybody probably thinks she set Melissa up again. But from the looks of next week’s episode, everyone is in for the retreat – even if they’re not playing nice.

Grade: B+
Stray Observations:
- On a scale of 1-never having sex again, how creepy is Richie telling Melissa that he’s fantasized about her being an exotic dancer?
- Best Quote:
Joe: "When I'm frustrated with my sister, I have sex with my wife."

Related: Caroline Manzo, Jacqueline Laurita, Kathy Wakile, Melissa Gorga, Teresa Giudice, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Starpulse Exclusives, Recaps, Television, Reality, TV Networks, BRAVO

Photo Credits: NBC Universal, Inc.

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