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'Dance War's' Country Night Is As Authentic As The Chinese Food At Panda Express

February 5th, 2008 8:42am EST
Taylor SwiftMagic isn't about making things actually disappear, but it is about the art of distraction. "Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann" is not about dance but about the illusion of dance. "Dance War" is not an actual competition, but the illusion of a competition. We know this because ABC is slowly turning this song and dance show into a showcase for... anything.

A new season of "The Bachelor" arrives in March? Throw Matt Grant on, the smarmy British single of the upcoming season. As a side note, can ABC groom their reality stars a little better? When Drew Lachey asked Matt to tell him some details about the upcoming season, Matt responded, "The girls are hot." Drew asked a few more questions, but Hugh Grant lite could only talk about the hotness of the ladies time and time again. I think I got a rash just watching this letch.

Next up, looking for some filler that is irrelevant and has nothing to do with dance? Put country/pop star Taylor Swift on to perform a song. "Dance War" never had celebrity drop-ins before, but hey, anything goes. Even Bruno asked at one point, "Where is the dancing?"

The theme for this week's episode was country, so please forgive me for the Taylor Swift irrelevance comment. She is country, but alas, almost none of the song choices for the young performers were. Pick out which of these songs is country: "Life is a Highway," "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," "Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree," and "These Boots Were Made for Walking." I picked one out of those four. "Dance War's "country" night is as authentic as the Chinese Food at Panda Express. Country night also involves as many tassels, boots, buckles, wide-brimmed hats, and vests one could imagine. Essentially, Dolly Parton and Billy Ray Cyrus mated and that union produced tonight's episode.

At this point, we've seen all we need to see with these performances. Elizabeth is still the most fame friendly, with dimpled good looks and a great voice. She's as commercial as they come. Kelsey, from Team Bruno, will make a great back up dancer for the Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus (that is a compliment by the way). Zach will end up as a regular on "Days of Our Lives." After that, the groups fall into a middling mediocrity that is best served for theme parks or other dance reality competitions on Fox. It's like when Simon Cowell tells an okay singer they should work at a piano bar in a swanky hotel. Pursue what you love, just don't do it on our time.

As I predicted last week, America voted and Team Bruno was forced to oust another member, leaving Team Carrie Ann intact, and "Team B" two members short. Everyone should tune in to see a show completely lose its purpose as an entire team is eliminated within six weeks. Knowing "Dance War," however, we'll probably have the Westminster Abbey Dog Show on here with some stand-up by Dane Cook. On this show, anything goes.

Story by Tiffany Bagster
Starpulse contributing writer


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